As I engage this course of study I am finding myself much more able to give myself grace than before (but I’ve shared this already), but that said… I’m also finding things that frustrate me about me.
Let me just share two of them with you. O.K., maybe three.
- I’m blogging right now because my brain is fried after two days of intense reading and thinking and after waking up at 5 a.m. in order to get just a bit more reading in. Immediately after class I wrote the on-line post for my class tomorrow and then I came to the student center on campus, to which the bookstore where Kev works is attached. At some point he will get a lunch break and find me here and we’ll pick up tickets for an event on campus tomorrow night. I REALLY need to get my head around the lecture I am delivering on Monday in my Bonhoeffer class, but… I. just. can’t. I reread the material earlier this week. And so far today, a day on which I hoped to outline the lecture, I have re-read the editor’s introduction to the book and now I’m reading, for the first time, the editor’s afterword to the book. Will this be helpful to my lecture? Possibly. But would it be more helpful were I to sketch out key conclusions from the five chapters on which I am to lecture, notes on the construction of the argument, and background presuppositions? Absolutely. Can I muster the will to do so? Not. at. all. I can give all day Saturday to this task and probably can get it done, but I have to read two more chapters of Bourdieu by next Thursday, and I have some other work to do for my Bonhoeffer class preferably by next Friday, so… really… if I could get this drafted today- it would benefit me greatly. But, friends, I’m fried. And I’m wishing Kev would just get here so we could get these tickets, so I could hop on a bus and go home and take a nap. It seems at least one weekday every week I’m pretty useless after just a few hours of work. This frustrates me about me.
(And yes, I know I’m pregnant. And yes, I know that mental exhaustion is a real thing. And no, I’m not beating myself up. I’m just frustrated because I know how much needs to get done.)
- I flush easily. I always have. And I don’t mean a charming bit of pink to the cheeks, I mean bright red swallowing my face. In one of my few experiments with makeup in early adolescence I learned that wearing blush when one has this feature can lead one to look like a clown at some point in the day. (I think, on the rare occasions that I wear blush now, I make better choices about application and it isn’t so great a tragedy should I flush while wearing it.) I’ve noticed more than once this semester that when a professor has looked right at me in class and asked a very direct question, or when I have presented in class, or when I have felt silly in class I have ended up flushing dramatically. There’s no hiding your insecurity when it screams across your face. This frustrates me about me.
- Though I have abundant thoughts about the state of the world right now, though I have oodles of thoughts about the state of our nation right now, though I care deeply about the world beyond my little academic bubble, I can’t find the energy to blog about any of it. How have I not posted at all about the financial crisis (not even about the ways that has hit home in my new city) or the election or the experience of viewing the debates in the company of the second of the two churches in which we have become involved, or… in times such as these to moan about difficult reading and personal pet peeves seems so… shallow. This frustrates me about me.
O.K., enough whining. Think I’ll go try to find Kev because I really need to go home and go to bed- clearly.