So as I fell asleep last night, probably around 10:30, I silently prayed “God, please let me awaken with the clarity I need to write this draft. Amen.” I had received an e-mail from my prof that suggested I was sort of on the right track with my outline though there was some figuring yet to do and I was going to sleep unclear on how that figuring would get done. I was hoping, as has happened on occasion in the past, that I would wake up with a paper taking shape. And so I prayed. And God is good… and funny. I guess I should have been more specific in my praying as I woke up at… drum roll please…
1:30 a.m.!!! With paper little by little taking shape in my mind. I got up to use the restroom, but when I realized how late/early it was, I tried to go back to sleep figuring it would just take even better shape at say… 7? But nope, the brain was ticking. And there were actually two tracks going- the paper track and thanksgiving dinner track…
So I got up and have been writing, with some breaks interspersed for nearly the past five hours.
When I sat down at my desk to write I lit two candles and typed this prayer at the top of my blank page:
Thank you, God, for waking me up
(even if it is the middle of the night)
with greater clarity.
Thank you, God, for answering the prayers
my heart was murmuring
as I fell to sleep.
It is darker than dark,
but I have lit two candles,
and am ready to follow in trust.
I pray that you will continue to lead,
and that I will continue to trust,
and that the task before me will unfold with grace.
In Jesus’ name, Amen.
I am taking a writing break (well, a paper writing break!) now to eat some breakfast having finished what I understand to be the largest portion of the paper. In some ways the remaining two sections are more challenging, but I had a full thumbs up on the fourth section from my prof, and it was the second section that was most hazy. I wrote it without a real plan- big act of trust for me (thanks Josephine and Steve for the encouragement to do so)- just cutting and pasting from my comparison chart the sections that seemed they might be most relevant to the ultimate point towards which I would be driving and then letting go of the organizing principle I thought would bring it together, and just plunging in letting one paragraph guide me to the next. I don’t know if everything I’ve included is necessary or helpful, but I do think it flows very nicely. And for this I give great thanks to God.
I now just need to continue to trust and figure out where the work I’ve done already is pointing me and write these last two sections. I’m a little scared of these last two sections and tempted to try to go back to sleep now, but I doubt, with a nearly complete (or at least half complete) draft hanging over me that sleep will come. My eyes aren’t even heavy- go figure. So I threw some naturally sweetened chocolate chips into my oatmeal as a mid-paper treat. (I’ll be getting my hair done as a draft complete treat- well, I’ll get it done at 5 either way, but I hope it will be a draft complete treat- I might also download an album of a band we’re going to see in concert this coming weekend- they were on Conan last night, my sister used to date the drummer, she’s beyond thrilled with their ascent!- as another post-draft treat!)
Here’s another funny thing… when I was so low yesterday afternoon with my stubborn lack of focus, my growing sense that I. just. wasn’t. going. to. figure. this. out., I was partially beating myself up for skipping class because here I was at home, unproductive, and not even able to nap. But… not going to classes this week means that if I need to get up at 1:30 and write a paper- so be it. Who says the paper needs to be written when I would have been in class. I have the flexibility to let my mind and body work and rest as they want to, when they want to, and when able to naturally, and that is EXACTLY what I need at this point in the semester and in this pregnancy.
So, yeah. Not going to classes Thursday or Friday either. It is decided. I need to let things come when they will and this will allow me to do so.
Thank you again, God.
And thanks to all of you for encouraging me all the times this semester when I have started to lose confidence or trust. God has certainly been working through all of you.