I was beyond exhausted when I crashed last night. It was a full weekend with lots of company. Two sets of grandparents, an aunt, an uncle, a good friend… all wonderful… and Caroline was baptized yesterday by this very good friend… just lovely. And the company would have been happy for me to take a nap, but I didn’t want to lose any of the precious time. Especially because these were the last days of my sister’s time with us… she and I held each other and cried in my exhausted state last night. What a gift to have her here through these sacred days. It will be very hard to say goodbye in a few hours.
Shortly before all the family arrived I received back two of my three final papers. Now you all know that of my three classes last semester the one I cared the most about was my Bonhoeffer seminar. Of my three finals there is no question in my mind that that is the paper on which I worked the hardest. And I did fine on it, but I didn’t do well on it- if that makes any sense. I don’t want to make this about the grade… I don’t think it is about the grade. It is about a general dissatisfaction with the pedagogy of this prof whom I had hoped would be my primary mentor. That is as much as I feel I can say in this forum.
If we aren’t a great fit for one another… and that is an if… it remains to be seen… there are three other theologians on faculty, one of whom I especially like… but I’m not sure my interests line up well with anyone else. Sigh.
So through all the busyness of this weekend I’ve had niggling thoughts in the back of my head about my fitness for this course of study, my interest in this course of study, etc. Combine a pfft ending to the course I cared the most about with an overwhelming interest in all things baby and I just don’t have the motivation to gather resources for my self-study next semester, or even to think about studying at all. Those thoughts pressed forward in my exhaustion last night and they charged forward as I fed and changed my daughter in the wee hours this morning. I talked to Kevin about them a bit, but the poor man needs to sleep… he has to go to work this morning.
On the one hand, my baby is three weeks old, and another three weeks of just baby is pretty legitimate. On the other hand… sigh. The insecurity is old and familiar and I thought I had kicked it.
The other paper I received back I did very well on and the pedagogy of that prof I find to be FABULOUS (he’s the head of my fellowship program, but unfortunately not a prof in my discipline. The paper I’m still waiting on… I don’t really care all that much about, but that class didn’t do much for my enthusiasm about the program.
And friends… I am still grateful to be in this program, still in awe of the privilege of my fellowships, still grateful for what I experienced this fall… just some of the wind has left my sails.
Please tell me this will pass. Please.