12 years or so ago my now husband, then dear friend, indicated that he was “feeling a growing fondness for [me] and wanted to talk about the possibility of pursuing a romantic relationship with [me].” (This is just one point in our story where he would interject, were we telling the story together, that he gets formal when he gets nervous.) I was going to see him in a few weeks so I declined to have a conversation about upping the ante on our five year friendship over the phone. I thought about his proposition carefully, but… just didn’t think I was attracted to him and wasn’t willing to lay a five year friendship on the line on the eve of departing for seminary. So I had a carefully prepared speech ready to let him down easily and maintain the friendship. But when I saw him for the first time after he made his feelings known my stomach flipped, and the speech didn’t make sense anymore, and I didn’t know what to say… And here we are on our way to 9 years married.
I’m thinking about this as I am now two weeks away from done with what has turned into a seven month preaching gig that was supposed to only last two months. I’m leaving not because they have found an interim or installed pastor (I started the week after their pastor retired and in the wake of a lot of conflict.) but because I’m entering a stretch where I just don’t have sermons that can be easily reworked for new purposes and so I’m writing two new sermons for them this month and would have to write several next month and I just don’t have the time for that. Further… as I indicated in the last post, I have A LOT to accomplish in the next 15 months and I really need to concentrate on my studies. And… maybe clearing out will hasten their interim pastor search which would be for the good because they need a pastor- a full-on pastor- and I just can’t be that for them.
Or can I?
No, of course I can’t. But something has flipped in me in the past week and I don’t feel ready to leave. I haven’t felt attached until now, but now… two weeks shy of leaving… moments of synchronicity are happening in worship; I’m remembering that I LIKE to write sermons for people I’m coming to know and love; hurting people are showing up and I’m finding myself in prayer with those people after church; I have the opportunity to baptize a woman in recovery on my last Sunday there (a woman who was previously ordained in this congregation never having admitted that she was unbaptized… she’s willing to stand up in front of everyone and make it right); random visitors are staying after worship to have theological conversations with me about things that matter the most to me, the very things that drove me back to school; the synchronicity in worship? I’m clicking with the musicians. We’re finally finding our groove.; I’ve had a lot of energy in my worship leadership; I’m realizing I love these people and I just don’t know if I’m ready to say goodbye.
Is it call? Is it ego? Is it wanting to do what I know I can do at a time when I’m confronted with so much I don’t know if I can do?
I wonder if they’ve been unable to find someone because I’m supposed to do it. They’ve had two apparently sealed deals with interims fall through. But then maybe they aren’t trying to make anything work because I’m around.
But I CAN’T be a full time pastor for them and they need a full time pastor.
But then I stay after church to study today and remember how great it is to have an office in which to study. And I manage to entertain Caroline while I’m there giving Kev a whole day to himself. (And other weeks this month a church member will take care of her.) And when I leave the deacons have wrapped up a meeting, the youth group is wrapping up, and the visionary committee is wrapping up. Vital ministry is going on without a pastor’s leadership. And everyone I like the best is walking out of that visionary committee meeting. And… stomach flipping. Big time.
It would be easier to walk away if they had someone. Knowing that a few vulnerable folks have recently showed up and it may be some time before they have stable pastoral leadership bothers me. I know I could continue my sweet deal of worship leadership only until they find someone. I’m pretty sure they would accept more leadership from me if I were willing to provide it. No, I know they would. And the financial compensation is very nice.
What do you think friends? Retract my firm end date? Take a month break and then see where they stand and how I’m feeling? Walk away and don’t look back?
I can’t believe I’m thinking about this.
Wow. I can’t believe you’re thinking about it either. What does Kevin say?
I don’t know what to advise, but I’ll certainly keep you and your family and the congregation in my prayers.
he’s being his typical good listener self, asking helpful discernment questions, whatever it think is best. he likes having sundays to himself and the money is helpful…
(o)
This requires thought before a response, but I wanted you to know I saw it.
Call tomorrow if you need to talk it out, pray it out some more, and find a way to listen to what God says about it.
My 2 first questions: 1) what is best for your family and 2) will it bring you joy?
very helpful questions and a very gracious invitation, kp. i had 150 pages of reading to do today, which i’ve just completed. and soon need to get a good workout in, but first a bunch of e-mailing… so i probably won’t call today. though it is tempting…
at the moment the answer to both of your questions points me to staying… but it would not have seemed so a few months ago and i should keep that in view. an idea or vision has been brewing all day. more on that later.
Everyone else has good points. So, ditto.
I think you’re right; you can’t be a full-time parish priest.
At the same time, based on what you said here, you are meeting a need for them and they are meeting a vocational need for you. So is what they really need right now a full time parish priest, or do they need you and a slightly out-of-the-box, atypical, but-it-works parish priest?
And if that might possibly fit their needs and your needs, can you draw those boundaries and do they have the lay leadership so that all of your other things (because it is an impressive list) get done?
I ask because I like out-of-the-box thinking and that’s where I currently serve–a situation I never thought would work, but that I am incredibly grateful to be in.
your way of framing things, byrde, is helping the vision suggested in my reply to kp come into view. thank you! so, so helpful.
I agree with all the comments here. I understand the pull of the parish. It is a powerful call, and so satisfying in so many ways.
I can imagine you being a kind of chaplain to them, my definition of chaplain being a ministry to those in transition. Worship leadership, spiritual companionship. If you can draw the boundaries close enough and stick to them, AND feel that you can attend to your academic life AND family, then…. it could be wonderful. But, if you were to find it a burden (which, a couple of weeks into the semester, it easily could be)…. maybe not.
Ill keep you in prayer. And by the way, I love the story about you and Kev. So sweet.
also mags, your reflections SUPER helpful. i really need to post my idea i think, but other work calls.
and thanks for the affirmation of the personal story. i rather like it myself!
I sometimes wish blogs had a “like” button–a way of saying, “hey, this is pretty cool.” I think part of the challenge may be that after a certain part of time you start to go past the friends stage, which is what I hear from the beginning of the post.
If you stay, you are essentially becoming their interim, right? Is this okay with you? Is there someone on session or presbytery who could talk this through with you, and figure out what things would look like?
aw, jonathan… so sweet.
i don’t think i could consider myself their interim proper… for lots of reasons. but… yup, i just need to write up the idea. will do so soon.
been thinking all day about who in the presbytery i might talk with.
You all rock. Thank you for your prayers and support.
I guess I can believe it. Because you seem to be someone who takes lots of stuff head on and does so much. (And I mean that in a totally positive complimentary way!) I don’t have any better questions than have been asked and it sounds like you on your way to your answer, but you’ll be in my thoughts and prayers as you discern!
Tough decision. I could echo everything that’s been said! My one curious thought is that you DO seem to thrive when (1) you’re busy and (2) when you’re in the thick of good relationships with people. On the other hand, just because this could be a good fit and there’s a need doesn’t mean automatically that it’s God’s call. Discern with care and humility. I will pray for you!
I’m arriving late and know now how this story turns out, but think you received wise counsel from outside and within. PS: your friendship-turns-to-love courtship story sounds exactly like that of my spouse and me!
hi, wanted you to know that I’m here and it looks like you got wise counsel and you are on the right track. that being said, you are an awesome pastor (as well as a scholar).